So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
