Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
