some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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