every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
