Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
