I am puke
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I have already put on my inside pants.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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