party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
