Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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