I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
