I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Randomize
