Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
