Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
