Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
