$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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