he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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