so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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