Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize