this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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