singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize