I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
