I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
