Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
