You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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