I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
