My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
