hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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