Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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