took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize