My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
