i was rollin on her like bob the builder
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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