Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
