New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
