ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I met the friendliest cop last night
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Randomize
