I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
