all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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