Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
