Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
