She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
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