OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
