When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
