Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I can't put those talents on a resume
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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