I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
