Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
