If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
