Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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