Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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