TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
