Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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