So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
