I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
