; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
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