i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
