im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
