apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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