3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
