Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
