I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
