if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
