K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
