he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
