Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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