i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
