P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
