party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
