i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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