Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I didn't notice because vodka
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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