I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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